Today was pretty uneventful. Throughout the day I wasn’t sure where I could fit in doing something scared me. But, again, in the moment I made it happen.
I have been wrestling with whether or not I should compete in a ski race tomorrow. I had always been leaning towards the “not doing it” side. This is because I haven’t been able to ski much at all this winter, the conditions would not be good for my only pair of Nordic skis, and it is a 9k race. All three of these things intimidated me–I always was very afraid of embarrassing myself. I tried to tell myself that it would be okay if I got last or took longer than usual, but I kept thinking of the worst that could happen.
So today I gave myself an ultimatum. I had to decide if I was going to race tomorrow or Wednesday. Not only is Wednesday’s race shorter, but that means I get tomorrow to relax. The decision should have been easy for me, but as usual my brain decided to ruminate on the fact that I would be letting people down if I decided not to ski (although I really wasn’t doing that in the slightest). Finally, I decided to just email my coach that I am not going to ski tomorrow and instead will race on Wednesday.
Compared to yesterday’s feat of fear it may seem small–who has trouble making decisions for themselves that are so inconsequential as mine was? Well, I do. And saying “no” to something that was likely going to make me unhappy was what pushed me out of my comfort zone today. And although I am still wrestling with the idea that I could have let someone down, I have made my decision. Which is more than I can say about myself this morning.
2 fears down, 363 to go!