365 Days of Fear: Days 61-66

Hello all, it has become inherently clear that I am awful at posting this on time. But I am going to trek on with this challenge still! Also you should feel really special that I’m writing at all because my laptop died and I left my charger at school (I’m so bad at packing it’s not even funny).

So today’s fear is a big one, and I’m going to use it to encompass all of the other ones (I promise I’m not lazy).

Tonight I am flying alone for the first time. I mean, it’s not a big shocker–I’m 18. But as much as I have flown in the past, I’ve never flown by myself. And as much as I love airports (yes, you read that right) they’re still big, scary, and confusing when you’re alone.

When my Nana told me she was willing to pay for my ticket down to Arizona I jumped at the opportunity. What college student wouldn’t? And when I accepted the offer I was well aware that I would be alone. And you know what, it was time.

One of my goals in life is to travel alone to a faraway place (specific destination to be determined at a later date…) and this is a good way to start. I’ve flown to Arizona ten times (I think? I’ve honestly lost count) and I decided to use this flight as a learning experience.

I am currently sitting at my gate (yes, mom the correct gate) waiting to board and so far there have been no glitches. Knock on wood.

Maybe the world isn’t so scary to conquer alone?

65 days down, 300 to go!


365 Days of Fear: Day 60

I am here and writing on time! It is a midweek miracle, friends! So many exclamation points! Today was good, and lately having an all around good day has been hard to find (among stress, midterms, etc) so I gladly took it.

I did not end up going to my 1:30 class because they were going hiking (sad, because I love hiking) and my muscle relaxants from the accident make walking longer than half a mile exhausting. This meant after my 8 am and 10:30 am class I did not have anything until band at 5:30 pm. Of course, I could have used this time to be productive (I actually do not have much homework in any of my classes this week, bless up), but did I? Negatory. Nada. Nope. Instead, I took a two-hour nap and watched Bob’s Burgers. Self-care is important too, right?

Anyways, in terms of fears today I participated in a photo shoot of sorts. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to spill all the juicy details (of which there are none), but it made me nervous to have my picture taken. And it made me even more anxious knowing this poster will be posted all over campus and even outside of campus. When I was first approached to participate in the campaign I was hesitant–I hate seeing myself in pictures. All my eyes can see is the double-chin, the acne, and the unplucked eyebrows. Of course, not many other people even notice these flaws. But to me, they are magnified.

But I decided passing up this opportunity would be something I regretted in the long run, so I went for it and agreed to meet up and take pictures. I would say that it went successfully and have yet to know if I like the pictures. But, the photographer told me I was a “great model” and the pictures looked great so that gives me hope.

60 (long) days down, 305 to go!!

365 Days of Fear: Day 59

I’m not a big fan of change. I like to set a schedule and stick to it. Anyone who knows me knows that. This is especially true when it comes to my schedule during the school week. Tonight I faced the fear of switching up my routine pretty head on.

Instead of heading back to my room after eating dinner I joined two friends and went to go get a free ice cream cone from Dairy Queen. What kind of college student would pass up that deal?! We headed down there and I figured I would go chill in my room and watch Netflix once we were done with that. But they mentioned they were going to go to the pool (and hot tub) after we got back. And after my accident, I had been meaning to go sit in the hot tub in hopes to make my neck feel better.

So I tagged along for that too and consequently, I was out of my room much later than I typically like to be. At first I regretted not tucking myself in for Netflix, but eventually the hot tub really helped my neck and it was worth my while.

So that showed me! Gotta get out and about and actually do stuff on weeknights sometimes *shrug*.

59 days down, 306 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 57 and 58

Here I am again. Making up for days lost on this already lost challenge, but I refuse to give up on this little project of mine! Even if it means making up for some days I have missed for various reasons (exhaustion, car accident, simply forgetting…). So let’s get to it!

Day 57:

I don’t usually do homework on Saturdays. Actually, I don’t usually do much on Saturdays. For some reason I have this idea in the back of my mind that if one is to do homework on Saturday they are an over-achiever (and apparently that’s a bad thing in the depths of my mind?) and although this was one of those thoughts that just kind of come with being a person it still influences the way I make decisions.

But after my car accident (a week ago already–wow!) I got so so sooo far behind in every single one of my classes. Surprise, surprise homework isn’t the first thing on your mind when you can’t move your neck because of whiplash.

So this Saturday I decided to face a fear that would be extremely beneficial for my mental state of mind. I sat myself down at a table in our section and got busy on an essay that had been haunting me even before the car accident. And guess what, forty-five minutes later I had that bad boy done (and a load of laundry to boot!).

Sometimes being an over-achiever isn’t so bad, right?

Day 58:

Today was so low-key even I was suspicious. I slept in until noon (bless up) and met up with my little buddy (and subsequently needed a nap after that). But there was actually an opportunity for me to face a fear as my day progressed.

My friend, Tierney (who will likely make many appearances on this blog) asked me if I wanted to go get pizza with her sister a couple days ago and I was hesitant. Not because I didn’t know her sister (because I do), but because I was afraid I wouldn’t know what to say or I would be awkward. Honestly, it seems like I feel that way when it comes to pretty much anything.

But I told that little voice in my head to shut up because not only did it mean I got to leave campus on this beautiful day, but I also got to eat non-cafeteria food. Our cafeteria may be ranked number one in Minnesota, but even our food gets old after 190ish days.

58 days down, 307 to go!


365 Days of Fear: Days 53-56

I feel like this week I have an excuse for not exactly posting on time. For the first portion I could barely hold my head up (screw whiplash) and then the second half I was trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with me and attempting to catch up on homework.

Here’s some sage advice: don’t get in a car accident the week before midterms. Just don’t.

Anyways, on to the fears. There were lots of opportunities for fears to be faced this week. But most specifically the fears surrounded my classes and taking my time recovering. It scared me to miss so many classes, but I knew it was necessary. So I emailed my professors (and the Dean of Students did as well, who woulda thunk) and used my “free” time to rest up and recuperate.

Once I had taken a couple days off of class I was getting antsy and wanted out of my room and to start catching up on what I had missed. But at this point my fear was no longer centered around missing class, but going to class and not being able to make it through.

I started out slow, and I only attended one class for half of ht e time. And let me tell you, it was a real struggle. My neck would start to seize up in the middle of class and I just had to sit there until a break. I’m sure that I could’ve gotten up and left but I had faced enough fears this week. Ultimately, I did survive going to half of that class and even made it all the way through both of my classes on Wednesday (and an hour of work!).

I realized, after some trial and error, that there would be some difficult points in moving past this car accident, but that it is possible (of course).

When hard things come up, don’t shy away. Take your time to recuperate and recover, but do not sell yourself short. You are capable of living outside that shadow of fear. It may be hard, but it is possible. You got this.

56 days down, 309 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 49-52

Hello all, I really, really, reallllly sucked it up with posting on time. At first it was because the week was straight up kicking my butt, but eventually it is because something kind of huge happened in my life. So I decided to meld all of these days together because the fear I conquered (or suffered I suppose) was a big one.

Yesterday I went to Minnesota United’s opening match against Atlanta United at TCF Bank stadium in the Twin Cities. I was so pumped and there was no way I was going to miss the game. So I loaded up my car and headed up even though a snow storm was coming my way.

As the day progressed and my dad and I pregamed at Surly–and I had the best brisket sandwich I have ever tasted–the snow began to come down in spades. It just kept coming and it certainly made for an interesting soccer game. All in all, the game was fun and I am so glad I went so I can say I went to their first ever home game as a MLS team (even though we ended up losing 6-1…). After the game my dad and I made the trek back to Surly to get his car and go to mine at the Mall of America. All was well and I got to my car and got on the road. That is, until I got to I494 West.

I was driving around 35 miles per hour because of the snow and keeping my distance behind the car in front of me–everything I was taught to do in the snow when driving. Suddenly the car in front of me slammed on their breaks so I pressed on mine (not even slamming them) and the next thing I knew I was spinning across four lanes of traffic on I494 with a car coming straight at me as I sat backwards facing incoming traffic. The driver of the other car and I made eye contact and had a mutual realization that there was nothing either of us could do about the situation.

So I found myself sitting sideways in the middle of the freeway with no idea of what to do. The first thing I thought to do was call my dad even though I really should have called 911. So eventually I get around to calling them (and so did the other driver, who, thankfully, did not drive away) and an amazing off-duty cop pushed my car to the other side of the freeway so I would be out of traffic’s way. My dad showed up, and the cops showed up two hours later, and I made it back to campus with pretty bad whiplash and no car (RIP EJ).

So this is my warning to you: be safe when driving please, because once you can’t move your neck you realize how much you do that in your daily life.

Peace and blessings, Ella.

52 (ish) days down, 313 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 47 and 48

So, for as well as I did with keeping (kind of) up to date with posts this weekend this week really caught up with me. Tuesdays always catch me off guard: so much to do, so little time. But, luckily, because of the fear I faced today I was able to make up for that lost time.

Day 47

I actually did something pretty scary on Tuesday. I accepted a job as a camp counselor this summer at Good Earth Village–a camp I attended for ten summers myself. I was thrilled to get the position, but apprehensive because it meant leaving my family for the majority of my summer. Luckily, I have one month with them before I leave for my second year of college (how the heck am I already thinking about my sophomore year of college?! I feel like I just started my first year…) so that does make up for some lost time.

But I figured that because it scared me to be doing something so new to me, that it would be well worth it, and that I should say yes. Even thought it meant losing all my “catching up” time with people from high school, I felt as though if I turned down this opportunity I would seriously regret it.

So, here’s hoping that I absolutely love it. But who are we kidding, I used to pack for camp a month in advance I loved Good Earth Village so much. I am going to absolutely love every second of being a camp counselor.

Day 48

Today I did something I have never done in my life: I straight up skipped class. Because college is so expensive being tired or even sick never seemed like a good enough reason to not show up to class.

But today was the Day Without Women protest and I thought “hey, this is the perfect day to skip class” because honestly I’ve always wanted to do it, but now I felt as though I had a legitimate excuse.

And boy did I enjoy my day without class or work. I slept until 11 and caught up on homework. I should skip class more often 😉

(Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m completely joking. I promise I’ll be in my 8am tomorrow)

48 days down, 317 days to go!

365 Days of Fear: Day 46

Today was a good Monday. There was a thunderstorm, I finally finished a lab report I’ve been putting off, and I worked out. What more can a girl ask for?

In terms of fear I actually conquered a big fear of mine today. I don’t like to submit pieces of creative writing to journals or publishers for fear of rejection. Now, I have no problem smothering the internet with my editorials and opinions on non-fiction ideals, but once I get to my poetry and fictional stories I have a hard time sharing them.

Recently I showed one of my friends some of the poetry I wrote for a class last year for the first time. My poetry is very personal to me and it’s hard to bare something that revealing. Again, when it comes to articles I have no problem, but poetry? Hard pass. But she read them and actually liked them–not the response I was expecting. Mainly because I don’t put a lot of focus on poetry and write it when I really need to get my words out on paper. She immediately told me I had to get it out there somewhere, published anywhere. I let the idea sit for a while and then thought of the perfect place. We have a literary magazine at Gustavus called the Firethorne that is taking submissions for its yearly magazine. I had toyed with the idea of submitting something but was scared of putting a part of myself out there I rarely show to anyone.

The encouragement from my friend is what pushed me to do it, but I had to click the submit button without any help. And it felt good, to know that there is a possibility my poetry will be in a literary magazine. That is pretty dang cool.

Wish me luck 🙂

46 days down, 319 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 44 and 45

I am very proud of myself. I mean, it’s not like I got my blogs done on the right day, but they are getting done before Monday!

Day 44:

I actually had plans made for Saturday night–a friend I had yet to hang out with outside of work and class came over and went out with me–so I pretty much already had a fear set aside for the day.

Hanging out with new people does not come easy for me. I tend to be very awkward when conversation does not flow naturally. So I was nervous to hang out with this friend beforehand because the only thing we really have in common is that we are Education majors (and work in the ed office) and are editors for our Odyssey Community at Gustavus. And now after typing that it looks like we have more in common that I previously thought.

So I faced that fear on Saturday night…and I am happy to report that it went well! It turns out we both have the same view of going out and enjoy standing in a corner. I had yet to find someone who liked doing that as well and it was good to have someone to stand in the corner with!

Day 45:

Today I posted a picture that I normally would not–one where I don’t look extremely flattering in the shirt I am wearing (dang angle of the photographer). I try to be picky about what I post on Instagram and especially avoid pictures that are unflattering. Everything about the picture is great except for that one part (I won’t mention what part exactly) so I was hesitant to post it. But then I decided to just go against my gut and post it because I really did like the picture.

And I really had nothing to worry about because no one really noticed. But that is probably over now because I wrote a whole blog post about the picture…

45 days down, 320 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Day 43

Ahhhh, the weekend. Where I get behind on blogging on here (I’m still trucking along though, just not in exact chronological order) and kind of catch up on my sleep. Friday was an average day–nothing too special happened and nothing awful happened. So I decided to shake things up–academically speaking.

I had been considering adding a coaching minor to my Secondary Education/CALT (Communication Arts Literature Teaching) since beginning college with the goal in mind to be a better coach than many of the ones I had growing up. I want to have the opportunity to foster a good sports environment rather than the uber competitive and political one I grew up with.

The notion of adding a minor to my already exhaustive major scared me, so I didn’t do anything about it until I recently began really missing the soccer field. I knew it was too late to get back out there and play soccer so I figured coaching would be the best opportunity to involve myself in a sport I played for countless years (something around 14 years I believe).

So I set up an appointment with my academic advisor to see if it was even possible. And by some grace of God it was–I’m not sure how, but if everything works out I’ll have the minor alongside my major in four years. There will be some overloading, but I’m hoping I can handle it. And if I can’t, well that is just another fear to face in the upcoming year.

43 days down, 322 to go!