365 Days of Fear: Day 97

Today was a big milestone (regarding the last three days, that is)! I finally got my schedule for the fall semester nailed down and it feels so good. My anxious self couldn’t take much more uncertainty (lol, am I right).

But today was actually a big milestone in regards to something else. Ever since my accident I have not been able to attend my Digging In class’s field trips to nearby 7 Mile Creek because they involved hiking and going up and down hills and that’s a big no-no for my back. But since I have been in physical therapy my back has been feeling a lot stronger and I felt as though it would beneficial to go on at least one more field trip with the class!

Of course, I was nervous on the ride over (whether it was about how cold it was and how miserable I was going to be, or if it was about my back I will never know) and when my group started walking around the park and I saw hills I got even more stressed out. Every time I walk to and from one of my volunteering spots I have to go up and down a big hill and it kills my back every time. I did not really want to subject myself to more back pain. But I couldn’t exactly say that I needed to turn back (because that would have been #lame).

So I just sucked it up and faced my newfound fear of walking up hills and it did not go too badly. My back is sore but definitely manageable. Here’s to being able to function as a normal human being!

97 days down, 268 to go!


365 Days of Fear: Day 96

And the scheduling drama continues. I discovered, today, that I could take a language on campus rather than off-campus (although ALS would be incredibly interesting) and thought that I would register for German.

This process deemed to be much harder than I expected it to be. To take German I have to gain permission from the professor (which does not really make sense to me because it’s the very first level of German, but so be it) and that required an email to the prof. I do not like talking to strangers and people I don’t know (those are synonyms but you get the point) so sending this email kind of freaked me out. Especially because it is the determining factor as to whether or not I will be taking this class! Which is 110% necessary for me.

But I did it, I sent it (with the help of my wonderful advisor, who put up with me for a half an hour today #schedulecrisis) and am awaiting a response. Which, to be honest, kind of stresses me out more than sending the email itself.

But whatever happens, will happen. I hope you all have had a fantastic Wednesday! And that the sun will come out tomorrow…

96 days down, 269 days to go!

365 Days of Fear: Day 95

Here I am on time again! I know, I know, it’s a miracle! As the semester winds down I’m finding more free time to do this project and that makes me very happy because this summer the posts will be few and far between (I’m going to be off the grid at a camp being a camp counselor, how’s that for redundant?). 

Today was doable for a Tuesday. One of my classes was practically cancelled and the prof told me I didn’t have to go to another one. I was done by 2:00! Another miracle, I would say. 

Although today was not very packed commmittment-wise, it still brought its stressors. Today was my day to register for classes next semester and I thought I had my schedule all figured out. I did, but then one of the classes closed and I couldn’t sign up. Suddenly I was faced with a fear I was not prepared to stare down. I had to choose a class that I hadn’t talked over with my advisor. I will admit, I did panic at first. I did not know what to do. But then with a little help from my friends (holla at the Beatles, am I right?) I was able to figure it out and find a class that both interests me and takes care of some gen ed classes! 

All in all, I’m so glad that registration for next semester is over with and I can move onto bigger and better things. Aka the next season of Gray’s Anatomy…

95 days down, 270 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Day 94

I can’t believe that I am actually writing this on time. It is some sort of miracle, and I’m sure you all agree. Thank you to those of you that have stuck along for this journey!

Yesterday Barcelona won El Clasico against Madrid. For those of you who aren’t keen on soccer, Barcelona and Madrid probably have one of the most epic rivalries in all of the sports. And I’m not kidding when I say that. Whenever they play each other the game has a special name (El Clasico) and usually has record attendance and viewing.

That being said, I decided that in order to celebrate accordingly I should wear my Barça jersey. I didn’t realize how loud it is until I put in on this morning. I was pretty close to changing my whole outfit because I don’t like wearing clothes that draw attention to me during school. But I realized that wearing this jersey could be the fear I faced for today. So I did it! And I got a lot of compliments from profs, other students, and random people I came across. Definitely worth it.

94 days down, 271 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 90-93

I am so behind on this and pretty much everything else in my life. On the bright side, I have less than a month left of my freshman year at Gustavus! Home stretch…

Day 90

This Thursday marked the beginning of what hopefully becomes a much speedier recovery from my car accident in March. I’m sure you’re all tired of hearing about it, but my back has started getting worse so my doctor had me reach out to a physical therapist.

I did just that and scheduled my first appointment for this Thursday. I was nervous to go and finding an excuse not to go definitely crossed my mind. I was apprehensive at the possibility of this actually helping me.

Long story short (pretty much the theme of every single one of these posts it seems…) I figured out a way there and went through with the appointment. And I am very glad I did! Because it is already helping.

Day 91

On Friday I headed home to surprise my mom for her birthday. The journey home was longer than expected and much more interesting (to say the least). I got a ride to Owatonna (about halfway between GAC and Rochester) and sat with my uncle at a bowling alley with his teacher friends.

I wanted to find somewhere else to go because the thought of sitting with a bunch of adult strangers really stressed me out, even more so when I found out my dad was running behind by an hour and a half.

Nonetheless, I persisted through my awkwardness and was able to make it home to surprise my mom. And it was definitely worth it.

Day 92

Saturday was full of many things that made me anxious. My dad and I were attempting to throw my mom a surprise party, but none of that really pushed me out of my comfort zone.

What really made me scared was when my parents suggested I call the tattoo parlor and schedule my appointment. I loathe talking on the phone. The second they suggested it my hands started to get sweaty (one of my tell-tale signs of a lil bit of anxiety). But I really wanted to schedule this appointment!

So I faced that fear and called and it turns out it was better for us to go in and make the appointment anyway!

(May 22 will be the day I face my fear of getting a tattoo! Stay tuned…)

Day 93

Today I drove back to campus for the first time alone since my accident. I got my new car when I met up with my dad and had driven it around Rochester for the weekend, but I was still scared to drive a long distance by myself.

All I could picture the entire ride was spinning out across traffic and getting hit. Or someone crossing over the lane and hitting me head on. You could stay I’m still a little scarred from my accident.

But today was room draw (where we find out where we’re living for the next year) and I was determined to get back on time and to be the one to drive myself there. So I told my driving fears to screw off and went for it.

And I made it back to campus safely, thank God!

93 days down, 272 days to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 87-89

I had every intention of posting this yesterday. It was pulled up on my computer and I had half of it written, but I, of course, got distracted. Nothing new in the life of Ella, I suppose.

Day 87

Having Monday off was amazing. I had no clue how much I needed that day to catch up on homework and actually get a little bit ahead. Because let’s be real, I was not about to do homework on the weekend. Yes, I know. If I would have done my homework over the weekend I wouldn’t have needed Monday but that’s beyond the point I’m trying to make here.

My fear for Monday was centered around food yet again. I’m not very adventurous when it comes to food. But, because of my suddenly extremely decreased appetite, I’ve been even more pick out of my desire not to upchuck my entire meal. But I took my sister out for lunch at our favorite bagel place (Bruegger’s) and wanted to try something breakfast-like.

I had slept in (of course, who doesn’t when they don’t have class on a Monday?) and was considering this lunch date my breakfast. My stomach was rebelling and was telling me that a breakfast sandwich would be a bad idea. But I decided to screw it and face my fear of puking in a public place (potentially).

Luckily I did not have to face that particular fear, and I really hope I never do! The sandwich went fine and I felt good for a majority of the day (yeet yah as the teens are saying these days).

Day 88

Ah yes, I just love Tuesdays (not). And this particular Tuesday I had to give a presentation in front of a class that I am not entirely comfortable in. It’s a short class that only meets twice a week so I don’t know the people super well. They’re probably great, but it still scared me to give the presentation.

But that is not the fear that I faced. My professor asked if anyone would be willing to time the presentations and I was hesitant to raise my hand. Normally, I would not have a problem doing such a task. But since I would have to give cues and cut people off (potentially) when they reached the time limit, it made me nervous.

But I decided to just face that fear head on and volunteer! Of course, nothing bad happened, but anxiety likes to convince you something will.

Day 89

Wednesdays are a little more bearable for me. I tend to stay up a little too late (for my standards) on nights when I know I don’t have an 8 am so I am usually a little groggy. But I don’t typically have many commitments so the days are doable.

I’m actually writing this before I accomplish facing this particular fear, but I cross my heart and hope to die/pinky swear that I will do it!

Tonight I have study buddies. For this, I go to St. Peter’s community center and help adult English language learners learn English. The community center is not that far away but involves a walk down and back up a hill we tout “death hill” at Gustavus.

Since I hurt my back I have been hesitant to climb the hill–especially when it’s raining and gloomy. I’m scared I will trip and fall and make everything worse. But today I decided to say screw it (what’s new) and walk myself down there.

Walking helps me with my anxiety and depression so I figured that there really isn’t anything to lose (knock on wood that I don’t wipe out please). So let’s see what happens…

89 days down, 276 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 85 & 86

This time I’m not too far behind (just two days, but that’s doable). This Easter weekend has been hectic and I have decided to use that as my excuse this time!

Day 85

Saturday was a day full of errands and family. It does not get much better than that in the Napton household. One of the said errands was to check if I had strep throat (spoiler alert: I don’t), but the doctor said that what I might be “suffering” from is another case of mono.

Knowing my luck I was sure that it was going to be mono (yes, I know that it’s rare for mono to reoccur but if you know me at all, you know my luck isn’t always super stellar). But I really did not want to take that blood test. It freaks me out to get my finger pricked (yes, I do realize that it’s no big deal) and see my blood pooling out. But I had to face this fear to try and give a name to the sick I felt.

Fast-forward to five minutes after the doctor started the mono test and I find out that I do not have mono. It’s an Easter miracle!

Day 86

Easter Sunday is here! Because I have been sick lately I have not been very hungry. I force myself to eat at least three small meals a day but I never really enjoyed them. Leading up to Easter I was scared I would not be able to enjoy my family’s Easter meal. It does come just once a year!

Luckily I was started on medicine yesterday that is making me feel less dead and also upping my appetite. I suppose this isn’t really a legitimate fear–not being able to enjoy a meal, but the fact that I was able to made me a very happy nugget today.

Happy Easter everybody!

86 days down, 279 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 82-84

I don’t know why I ever expect myself to post on time because it never happens, but you’ve gotta have high hopes in yourself am I right? (haha jk)

Let’s just jump right into this!

Day 82

This particular Wednesday was not very eventful. Besides having class I did not do much. (But honestly, what’s new?) But I did face a fear, fear not! On Wednesday I was working in the Education Office for my long shift and turned around to see a friendly face from my high school youth group.

One of the girls that was in my youth group was touring GAC and although we did not know each other well because she is two years younger, it was nice to see a familiar face from home.

As you all have come to know, I am a very awkward person. So naturally, I did not know if she remembered me and gave her an awkward wave. By some grace of God she remembered! And I was asked to give her a mini-tour to her next class. I was tempted to say I had too much work because of my awkwardness, but I decided that this was a doable fear.

The mini-tour turned out well and it made my day to see someone from back in good ol Rochester.

Day 83

This Thursday I was itching to get home. Even though I just had Easter break this Easter break felt much needed. But first, I had to get through my 3-hour lab; it is the bane of my existence as well.

As I sat in my (very uncomfortable) desk I spaced out for the first few minutes of class until I heard “we need a volunteer”. We are currently working on a project that gets reviewed by our professors multiple times. This Thursday was the first round of revisions, and our professors wanted to give the class an example of what it would be like. I figured offering to go would allow me to leave early (it did, just not as early as I hoped) so I flung my hand in the air.

What I did not consider is that my (very rough) outline for the project would be projected in front of the entire class. As I sat up in front of the class with their eyes on me I felt my anxiety begin to make my leg shake wildly.

I sort of put myself into this fear unknowingly, but I am so glad that I got to leave early. Very much worth the little bout of anxiety over my work being projected in front of my class.

Day 84

Finally home, I (more like my parents, but I was not going to argue) thought that a massage would be a good idea to try and make my back and neck feel better. But this meant that I would have to call the massage place and make the appointment myself.

I hate talking on the phone. I loathe making appointments over the phone even more.

I begged my dad to call and make the appointment, but he looked me dead in the eye and said “what about your fear challenge?”

That is how I found myself on the phone making an appointment, but luckily it did not go very badly (I was only a little bit awkward, score!) and I was able to have an amazing massage with a fantastic masseuse.

84 days down, 281 to go!

365 Days of Fear: 79-81

Ahh yes, of course, I am behind again. What’s new? Nothing, that’s the answer. Let’s just get right into this without making any excuses (haha).

Day 79

Sundays are honestly one of my favorite days of the week. I love that I get to sleep in and feel productive; even if I feel as though I am drowning schoolwork. This past Sunday was one of those days where a fear kind of just jumped out at me.

I have been part of a program called Big Partner/Little Partner since the beginning of my time at Gustavus. I was paired with a wonderful little girl (I’ll leave her anonymous), but I soon learned she had a lot more energy than I did/do. Every time she comes over I struggle to keep up with her laps in my section and her locking me out of my room. We usually meet on whatever day of the week works for both of us, and this particular week it happened to be Sunday.

I was tired and a little bit crabby (I’m not gonna lie) and I really, really, did not want to put up with her antics for a whole hour. So when she began her typical running and locking antics I decided to finally put my foot down. I told her that if she left the room again I would tell her mom. And it worked! She sat down and watched the movie we picked out for the rest of the time (a whole whopping fifteen minutes).

Day 80

Mondays are sucky in general. They’re especially sucky in Minnesota when it’s dreary and windy and just plain old gross. The weather made me want to curl up in bed for the entire day (but honestly what’s new about that). Nevertheless, I dragged myself out of bed and across campus to my two classes and work.

My back spent the entire morning spasming (dang car accident just leave me alone already please) and just as I was contemplating calling the physical therapy places near GAC my phone rang. It was the physical therapy office wanting to schedule an appointment. Usually, I don’t like making appointments over the phone or talking on the phone in general (unless it’s one of my parent’s calling). But I got over that fear fast when I could feel another pulsing round of spasms wrack my spine.

Day 81

Today I faced a fear that haunts me nearly every day. I am a Contributing Editor for GAC’s Odyssey community and with that role comes the responsibility to start conversations in our group chat.

Let me put this out there: when it comes to group chats or Facebook groups I don’t like drawing attention to myself. It makes me feel annoying to ask a question or post something. But I met up with our Editor In Chief last night and she mentioned that our community needs to start interacting more.

So today I faced that fear and asked our little group a simple question about what they’re writing about this week. Easy as pie.

81 days down, 284 to go!


365 Days of Fear: Days 77-78

Hello! I am behind on posting but not too behind so I’m pretty proud of that. I am so beyond happy that it is the weekend and that it is so nice out here. Spring in Minnesota is 110% my favorite season (and, no, it’s not just because my birthday is in May). But enough about the weather (if you’re from Minnesota I’m sure you get enough weather talk with all the small talk we do) let’s get down to the fear!

Day 77

Thursdays are always hard. If you’ve been reading these sporadic blog posts you know that I have lots of classes and responsibilities on Thursdays. But the fear I faced this Thursday was one that made me very happy once I got over it.

As you may or may not know, I recently brought the Buddy Project campaign to Gustavus and have a form for anyone to sign up on the Instagram account.  As soon as I posted about it in a couple of the student organizations I participate in on campus people started signing up. I was excited, but I was also nervous. I am not good with new people and making small talk (besides about the weather but that only gets you so far am I right). But I knew that if I wanted this project to be successful I had to reach out to all of these people and take their picture.

And I am so glad I did because the project is gaining traction and attention on campus and it brings me so much joy. 10/10 would recommend!

Day 78

Today I faced a fear that brought me a lot of anxiety. Soon, it will be my turn to register for classes for the 2017 fall semester. I thought I had everything planned out months ago, but when I was going through the course catalog I discovered that two of the courses I was planning on taking are not being offered.

Thus, I had to scramble and find some replacement classes. And one of those replacement classes had to be a foreign language. And lo and behold none were offered at a time that worked so I was thrown into a panic.

That is, until one of my wonderful coworkers, Corbyn, mentioned she was taking American Sign Language for her language credit. It is a night class offered at Mankato State University and works perfectly for my schedule. Although it was perfect I was still hesitant to commit to it. I was and am scared to go and take a class at a different college I know nothing about and for a subject I am virtually clueless in.

But I decided to take the plunge and go for it. I won’t know if facing this fear will pay off until next semester, but I have a good feeling.

78 days down, 287 to go!