365 Days of Fear: Days 114-121

Hello, yes, I am still here. I have not ceased to exist, but in fact, I have been very busy and blogging has not been at the forefront of my mind. But, boy, do I have a fear that makes up fro seven days of missing them. To be fair, I did face a fear every day, but the fear I am about to talk about is so great that I decided it really encompasses about a week of fears.

I have always been interested in tattoos. I  have always wanted a tattoo, but until recently I had not found one that I thought would be worth the permanency and money that accompanies tattoos.

But one day a few months ago I was scrolling through BuzzFeed (yes, I scroll through BuzzFeed) and came across a picture of a tattoo that was too perfect for me. I could not pass up this tattoo. I knew that this was something I wanted to be permanently inked on me for the rest of my life (eek!).

So my parents decided that if I wanted a tattoo it would be one of my 19th birthday presents. I scheduled an appointment for May 22 at noon and let it slip to the back of my mind. That is until it was May 22 at about 11:30. I was getting a tattoo. Would I cry in pain? Did I really want it permanently etched onto me? The answers to those questions turned out to be: no and yes. The tattoo process (once it got started, I forgot my ID, of course) took all of one minute and did not hurt at all. If anything, I just felt like I was getting pinched by a house elf (s/o to Dobby am I right).

So, overall, this fear was one of the best ones I faced thus far and I am certain that I will be getting many more tattoos (sorry mom and dad). It’s just too fun to express yourself on your body!tattoo.jpg

Also, for those of you who might not get it: my toes are conjoined and the scissors are indicating “cut here”!

121 days down, 244 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 112/113

Tomorrow is the last day of classes and I haven’t really come to terms with how that is possible. This school year has quite possibly been one of the fastest of my life, but it certainly did not come without trials that made it seem as though it was dragging on…

Day 112

On Monday I faced a fear I have had my whole life. It followed me from elementary school to (definitely) middle school to high school and apparently college. The fear I am talking about is the fear of wearing dresses.

Yes, another dumb and irrational fear, what’s new? But there are so many things that could go wrong! My dress could fly up and show people things that they certainly did not want to see. It could get caught in my backpack and do the same thing. I could have forgotten to shave a large part of my legs. The list goes on and on.

But for many reasons I found myself wearing a dress on Monday. One of the main ones being that I didn’t have any clean clothes that weren’t dresses and the other big one being that I did not want to wear pants.

And as soon as I walked out of my door I was self-conscious because a dress is something that I normally wear and for all of the aforementioned reasons as well. But as I walked around and went to class I began to feel good and decided that it might be time to break out more dresses collecting dust in my closet.

Day 113

The fear I faced today wasn’t quite as tangible as the one I did on Monday. Today I interviewed a student that I knew (sort of) from a class for an article I’m writing for our school’s weekly newspaper.

Now, you’re probably wondering: “Ella, why in the world would you be anxious at the thought of interviewing someone you don’t know?”

Well, friends, the answer is that because I don’t know her super well I’m not sure how I am supposed to act, as dumb as that sounds. But despite my best efforts (I offered to email her the questions) we still met in person. And it did not go horribly. Hallelujah.

113 days down, 252 to go!

 

365 Days of Fear: Days 109-111

Summer has officially descended on spring. No longer are the days of mild 70 degree days. No, now it is 90 degrees during the day and 70 degrees by night. Climate change is real, people. This hot weather has made my motivation swoop to an all-time low of -10000099900333 and I have not been very productive when it comes to studying for finals. Oh well, #yolo am I right?

Day 109

Friday was a good day. It heated up and it was the end of the week–also it was the beginning of my birthday week celebrations! To be honest, I could not have asked for much better of a birthday weekend; I live for warm weather.

But before I could enjoy the warm weather and the sunshine in my hammock I had to face a fear. I had to meet with people I did not know for the Buddy Project and take their pictures. Furthermore, I had to meet with upperclassmen people I did not know. Strangers scare me in general, but strangers who are older and wiser scare me even more (yes, I am aware that no one in college really knows what they’re doing, but still).

I had to face this fear and get over myself because my project depended on it. I could only take pictures of people my age for so long until interest ran out. And for your information, it went well and if you want to check out the project hit up @bpatgac on Instagram!

Day 110

My birthday! Good ‘ol 19. They grow up so fast, right? The first activity for my day of birth celebration was a band concert and holy Hannah it was hot out. I decided it was a very bad idea to wear my usual black sweater and long skirt with closed toe shoes to the concert. So I wore something different.

To many of you, this probably does not sound scary. So, what? I ‘m wearing a different outfit…

But I wasn’t sure that what I was wearing exactly qualified as “concert black” which is the guideline we have to follow for concerts. But I went with it anyway (a short black dress and black sandals, by the way) and it went over smoothlyD. My director didn’t even notice and if she did she didn’t say anything. Score.

Day 111

Today was hot. There are no other words to describe it. I began packing up my room and taking down things and stuff from the walls and I was dripping sweat, quite literally. And that task–that made me drip sweat–was the fear I faced for today. I was scared that taking things down would rip chunks of the wall off and we would be fined. I also feared not having enough bags to fit all of my things.

But things are looking good, people. I took my first haul down to my car and my room is sad and empty. It’s almost goodbye to my freshman year of college, holy cannoli.

111 days down, 254 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Day 108

Yesterday’s post inspired me to actually post on time for once and since I found myself with 30 extra minutes today I figured instead of watching Grey’s I could actually do something semi-productive. And I certainly was not about to revise another paper, that’s for sure.

Today I got out of class early and was about to walk back to my dorm when I remembered that I had to take a picture for the mental health campaign I brought to Gustavus at 11:30 (approximately 40 minutes of free time, this is probably extremely confusing…). I did not have time to walk back to my dorm, but I didn’t exactly know what to do with myself.

I was hungry and usually eat lunch after my 10:30 class so I figured I would get lunch. But when I realized that I did not have time to take my lunch back to my dorm and eat with my roommate like I usually do on Thursdays I caught myself thinking that I would be better off without lunch. Moral of that sequence of thoughts: I do not like eating lunch alone and I most certainly don’t like eating lunch alone in Gustavus’ cafeteria. It’s large and most people have someone to eat with. It makes me anxious that I am eating alone and I feel as though everyone is looking at me (they aren’t).

So I decided to just use this innate anxiety and face this fear today. I am currently writing this sitting alone at a table in the back corner of the cafeteria. I couldn’t quite bring myself to sit in the middle or at the front–that’s for another day. But I am proud of myself for eating alone in a large cafeteria! And it was not too awful (emphasis on the too).

108 days down, 257 days to go!

 

365 Days of Fear: Days 106 and 107

At this point in the challenge, I am proud of myself for only getting one day behind and give myself a gold star when I manage to post every day. Needless to say, I haven’t gotten a gold star in quite a while…

College is getting more and more hectic and crazy because finals are coming up. Also, my birthday is on Saturday so trying to wrangle some plans up for that has been a super duper time.

Day 106

Yesterday was a busy day; it was a Tuesday. Need I say more? But, actually, it was a busier Tuesday than usual. Instead of just my four classes I had four classes, got sick, and had a pizza party for my new job in the writing center (that somehow fit into my schedule I’m still ??).

None of it really made me nervous or scared except for the pizza party. I know, I know what you’re thinking: “Ella, why tf are you scared of a pizza party? You love pizza!” And, friend, you are correct when you state that, but I am not scared of pizza. Alas, I am scared of new people, and I knew virtually no one except for my senior Gustie Greeter who was going to be there. And not only that, but I had to walk there alone as well.

Well, of course, I was going to face this fear–there was pizza involved. Not even a question. But I decided I would get there fashionably late (approximately 2 minutes late if you were wondering). Lo and behold I walked in late and everyone stared at me because they were doing introductions. So I suppose I really faced two fears yesterday: going somewhere alone and public humiliation.

All is well, though, I got two slices of pizza before I had to scurry off to band rehearsal.

Day 107

Today was a big day! Approximately one million, trillion years after my accident I was cleared by my physical therapist for physical activity. So, naturally, I brought my little partner to play racquetball (pssh no, it’s not because she asked me to last week, it’s definitely because I got cleared and wanted to engage in “physical activity”).

As we were playing racquetball my back began to twinge with a familiar pain. I was tempted to stop, but my physical therapist told me that it would be better to allow a little pain as long as it wasn’t sharp (which it wasn’t). So I swallowed my fear of permanently having a messed up back because of one racquetball “game” (I wouldn’t really call what we were doing a game, it was more of a “let’s try to actually hit the ball this time” type of deal).

And so far, so good. I still am up and mobile (if you count writing a paper and watching six episodes of Grey’s Anatomy mobile…). So all is well!

107 days down, 258 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Day 105

It is getting hot out here and that is making my motivation lack even more than it usually does! I am officially in summer mode, and I still have a week and a half left until finals. Life is ruff:

Today I faced a fear that has crippled me since Facebook groups became a thing. They are very handy and useful for being involved in different activities. But I have always been afraid to post in these groups. And with my starting the Buddy Project initiative at Gustavus getting people involved is key and I have bothered the people I know enough. So today I swallowed my fear and posted on a page called “Overheard at Gustavus (the one that allows free speech)” and already have interest from people already.

Even though I was pretty much shaking when I clicked post and definitely sweat through my shirt (at work, it was awesome) I do not regret facing this fear at all. Hopefully, it allows my project to be even more successful!

105 days down, 260 to go!

 

365 Days of Fear: Days 103/104

Ahhh, the weekend. It doesn’t get much better than having absolutely no schedule and the ability to sleep in, in college. I have never loved weekends more than during my time at college. That being said, I actually had a fairly eventful weekend that allowed me to face some fears! Yee-haw!

Day 103

Saturdays are weird at college. The dorms are silent (people are sleeping, or watching Netflix, probably), but as soon as everyone wakes up it’s party time, people. This particular Saturday I had to be up earlier than my usual 12:00 pm wake up call for Honors Weekend. Somehow I snuck myself onto the President’s Honors List. Who woulda thunk?

But the fear I faced came later in the day. I was laying on my bed contemplating whether or not a nap or Netflix was my best option for the day when I got an invite to go shopping with a few girls in my section. I was apprehensive because I was/am not super close with one of the girls, but I figured that my fear would go away after a few minutes.

50 dollars of clothing and food later I was proven right! I am taking on a little side challenge (that I may or may not sporadically update you on, but let’s be real I’m a hot mess so I can’t promise anything) that I am going to say yes more often even if I’m scared of what I’m being invited to. Unless it includes hard drugs, pugs not drugs, peeps.

Day 104

Today I conquered a pretty big fear. I drove up to the same stadium that I was on my way home from when I got in my accident at the end of March for the first time today. I was clammy, sweaty, and anxiety-ridden. I honestly had no clue how I was going to make it through that drive (twice, there and back, ugh) without freaking out.

This drive included driving past the exact spot it happened and I did not even want to look out my window, but I did and I survived. That accident created a lot of problems in my life, many of which I am still dealing with to this day and likely will be for a long time, but I can also say it has forced me to grow and become a stronger person. And driving past the accident site made me truly realize that.

104 days down, 261 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 101-102

I’m only one day behind rather than four! I am thoroughly surprised with myself. College is surprisingly quiet academically right now and I’m very suspicious of that…

Anyways, enough about my lack of homework (why am I even complaining?) let’s get into it:

Day 101:

Yesterday was my third session of physical therapy. I was thoroughly hoping that I would be cleared for physical therapy, but lo and behold I was not. But getting cleared was not the fear I faced for the day.

Instead of my usual physical therapist, I was attending a session with her assistant. If you have been around for at least one post you know that I do not like change. Not in the slightest. I was apprehensive about having a session with someone who did not know the ins and outs of what is going on with my back. But I was not about to be that person who requested a certain doctor and forced everyone to switch things up so I just sucked it up and faced the fear.

And although I was not as big of a fan of the assistant as my regular therapist, it still went well! Bless.

Day 102:

Today was my science course’s last field trip to nearby Seven Mile Creek and my back was sore as can be this morning and just the thought of hiking made my back ache. I was tempted to email my professors and bow out of the field trip, but I knew I would be letting my group down by missing out on our last field trip (we are working on creating signs for the park in groups for our final project) so I just faced my fear. But I made sure to tell my professors I couldn’t do tons of walking, I think my physical therapist would be proud 😉

All in all, the field trip went well and even though my back is currently hurting more than it would have if I would have abstained from any distance of walking I am very glad I went because it was a gorgeous day!

102 days down, 263 to go!

365 Days of Fear: Days 98-100

Writing down 100 made me feel so accomplished, but the fact that I missed blogging for four days definitely shot that feeling right on down. What can ya do, life catches up with you! Anyways, let’s do this:

Day 98:

On Saturday I woke up feeling like crud. I was tired and walking down the (appropriately named) death hill did not sound very appealing to me, but I did it anyways. Although this was certainly a struggle, it was not the fear I faced this past Saturday.

My best friend at GAC runs on the track team, and they had a home meet on Saturday! Very exciting, right? Yes, although I did not have anyone concrete to go with a little earlier (because I love watching track meets) and this stressed me out. I like having plans figured out more than one hour in advance. It’s just my makeup, I suppose.

But on Saturday I decided to let it slide and face my fear of uncertainty and let it slide. And by doing so I was still able to enjoy the track meet while hanging out with multiple people.

Who woulda thunk?

Day 99:

Sunday was low-key. Just how I like it. But there definitely was a fear to be faced, although I did not know that it would come up until the moment it occurred.

I am not a big fan of change. Anyone who knows me knows this. I like my schedule and I like knowing things for sure. Anything that is up in the air makes me incredibly anxious. Although I do not like this behavior, it is the reality I have to live with.

On Sunday my best friend invited me to hang out with her and one of her new-ish friends from the track team. At first, I was apprehensive and tempted to use exhaustion as an excuse, but I realized that I was missing a chance to get to know someone important to one of my favorite people.

So I sucked it up and accepted the invitation and had a pretty good time (although my awkward tendencies are always up for improvement…).

Moral of the story: don’t pass up an opportunity to hang out with the people you love just because you’re uncertain of different dynamics. You will be surprised at how much you enjoy yourself.

Day 100:

Holy cannoli Batman!!!! How am I already on day 100?! I’m already almost a third of the way done, this is freaking insane. Today I faced a fear that many of you will probably find odd. I sat on the floor.

Ever since my accident, as many of you know, my back has been pretty messed up. And, to be honest, I didn’t exactly think through my actions when deciding to join the class on the floor today. But as I was sitting there and could feel my back starting to tense up I decided to tough it out. The pain I was feeling scared me, but I was determined to stop letting my accident restrict me from doing everyday things.

Although this may not have been my best idea per say, I am proud to say I sat on the floor for an hour.

100 days down, 265 to go!

 

365 Days of Fear: Day 97

Today was a big milestone (regarding the last three days, that is)! I finally got my schedule for the fall semester nailed down and it feels so good. My anxious self couldn’t take much more uncertainty (lol, am I right).

But today was actually a big milestone in regards to something else. Ever since my accident I have not been able to attend my Digging In class’s field trips to nearby 7 Mile Creek because they involved hiking and going up and down hills and that’s a big no-no for my back. But since I have been in physical therapy my back has been feeling a lot stronger and I felt as though it would beneficial to go on at least one more field trip with the class!

Of course, I was nervous on the ride over (whether it was about how cold it was and how miserable I was going to be, or if it was about my back I will never know) and when my group started walking around the park and I saw hills I got even more stressed out. Every time I walk to and from one of my volunteering spots I have to go up and down a big hill and it kills my back every time. I did not really want to subject myself to more back pain. But I couldn’t exactly say that I needed to turn back (because that would have been #lame).

So I just sucked it up and faced my newfound fear of walking up hills and it did not go too badly. My back is sore but definitely manageable. Here’s to being able to function as a normal human being!

97 days down, 268 to go!